


I'm Not Afraid to Sleep Now

by Sarara3



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Cancer, Deathfic, Everything Hurts, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Slow Burn, This Will Probably Be Really Painful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2017-12-31 10:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarara3/pseuds/Sarara3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jennifer Kirk is diagnosed with advanced stage liver cancer and doesn't tell Bones for a long time. When she finally does, he's there for her unconditionally. Right until the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. July: Diagnosis

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a Kate Miller-Heidke song called "The Last Day on Earth" that never fails to make me cry. I listened to it a lot while I wrote this and I plan on listening to it more as I write more.
> 
> This fic will be a labor of love and pain. If you like it, I'd love to hear about it! Feedback would help me have the confidence to write more.
> 
> Completely un-beta read, so all mistake are mine.
> 
> I don't own these characters; they own me.

Jennifer Kirk couldn’t actually hear the doctor anymore. His voice had been swallowed by a sharp ringing; like a bomb had just gone off near her.

Hadn’t one, though?

She vaguely recognized that the doctor was trying to get her attention, but she could not make herself focus. Her vision was blurry and dark at the edges and her breath was coming in ragged pants. Her hands shook in her lap and she feared she might pass out.

Actually, she knew she was going to. The desk in front of her got closer and she reached out to stop herself from banging her head on it. The chair she’d been sitting on was no longer beneath her and her knees smacked painfully on the floor.

“Ms. Kirk!” The very loud voice in her ears finally came through. She looked up and saw the fuzzy face of her oncologist getting slightly less fuzzy. His voice, after having been booming, was a less startling volume. “Ms. Kirk, is there someone we can call? I don’t want you to be alone right now and I’d rather you have some support before we finish this consultation.”

Jen nodded shakily and dug her phone out of her pocket. Before she was able to pick herself up from her knees, she’d dialed Uhura’s number.

“Hey, Jen! What’s up? How was the doctor?”

Uhura’s voice comforted her already. Knowing she’d thought to call the exact right person, she pressed on. “I’m still here.” On the other end, she could hear her dear friend stop dead in her tracks. “Can you come?” The words came out in a broken whisper.

“I’m on my way.”

Dr. Hammond helped Jen up from the floor and offered her a drink of water, which she gratefully accepted. They only had to wait ten minutes for Uhura to show up and another five for all paperwork to be signed so her presence in the office would be legal and in accordance with HIPAA policies. She swept into the consultation room, all knit eyebrows and frown lines. She looked at Jen, who appeared to be an empty shell of a person. Taking Jen’s hand and sitting down, Uhura didn’t need to say anything. Jen gripped the hand in hers like a lifeline and steeled herself to continue the conversation with the doctor.

“Ms. Uhura, I was just explaining to Jennifer the nature of her illness. I’m unsure if you know, but she came to our hospital exhibiting significant and unintentional weight loss, slight jaundice, abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting. We have been reviewing her case and doing numerous tests, as her condition did not improve.” Jen gripped Uhura’s hand tighter as Dr. Hammond prepared to repeat her diagnosis. Uhura’s breath quickened in anticipation and fear. “We’ve determined that she has liver cancer.”

“Oh my god…” she whispered in shock. Jen had no reaction as she had already had plenty of time to become numb with the news.

Dr. Hammond redirected his attention to Jen. It was time to discuss treatment. The rest of the appointment flew by in a flurry of “chemo” and “radiation” and “hope for the best.” Uhura never let go of Jen’s hand until they got out to her car. Uhura lived not far away from the doctor’s office and had run the way there. She took Jen’s keys from her and they made the short trip to Uhura’s apartment. Once inside, Uhura busied herself with making tea.

“Do you have anything stronger than tea?” came Jen’s voice from the living room.

Uhura smirked lightly, albeit still a little broken, and reached up to her liquor cabinet. She brought down the whiskey she saved for special occasions and three glasses. Before going to join Jen in the living room, she sent a quick text, requesting the recipient’s presence She brought the proffered items in to Jen and sat down with her on the sofa.

As she poured, Jen asked, “Christine?” Uhura nodded. “Good.”

Jen seized her glass, sagged back onto the sofa and downed more than half of her booze in one swallow. Before Uhura could lean back with her, there was a knock at the door. She rose to open it and Christine entered, slightly out of breath. The three of them sat, drinking and saying nothing, for almost a full half hour before Jen finally broke the silence.

“Stage IV-B liver cancer,” she spat. “I’m a goddamned special agent for the goddamned FBI and, of all the things it could have been, it’s goddamned cancer that’s going to do me in. How fucked up is that…”

Neither of the other women spoke for a moment. “Jen I’m so sorry.” Christine finally uttered.

“Do you know what IV-B means?” Jen asked no one in particular. “It means this disease has been eating away at me for a long time, hasn’t bothered to make itself known until now, and it’s gone and not only infected my liver but ‘distant tissue’ as well.” Uhura, usually so good at schooling her emotions, sniffled and wiped at her face as rebellious tears made their way down her cheeks. “So not only is it in my fucking liver, but Dr. Hammond says it’s in one of my lungs as well… I can’t even believe this.” she finished, bitterly.

Christine took a shaky breath before asking, “And the doctor said there was really nothing they could do?” She looked between Uhura and Jen, knowing they’d both heard the worst already.

“I was told I could seek radiation and chemo, but they may not be able to get at it all because it’s so widespread. Dr. Hammond is ‘cautiously optimistic,’ though, and thinks we should go for it.” Jen downed the rest of her booze and held the glass out for a refill. Uhura granted her silent request and refilled her own glass as well.

Christine openly had tears running down her face now and was trying to form words. Wordless, Jen made room for Christine on the sofa on her other side. They cuddled together on the couch, drinking and not saying anything for a long while.

“I think I’m gonna try it; the chemo and everything. At least for a while. See if it works.” Christine and Uhura cuddle closer to Jen, who laid her head on Uhura’s and hooked her arm through Christine’s, threading their fingers together. They made a silent toast to her resolve.

After spending most of the evening getting quickly and steadily more drunk, the conversation got more comfortable and they even started laughing at some things. The news still hung in the air, but there was nothing that could be readily done right away and they’d made an unspoken decision to try and enjoy themselves despite it all. The constant flow of booze made that easier.

A strange presence had been in the room with them the entire night. It grew and grew until Jen couldn’t ignore it anymore. She heaved a great sigh and finally said what they’d all been considering, “Christ, how am I gonna tell Bones?


	2. August: Treatment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen has to tell her boss, Christopher Pike, about her illness because she will finally be getting treatment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a little longer to write than I'd intended because there was a scene in it that I felt didn't belong so I removed it [to put elsewhere in the story] and ended up having to rework a significant portion. But, I feel like it works now, so here it is! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Again, this has not gone through a beta reader. Any and all mistakes or awkward grammar situations are completely mine.

“Jen!” called Uhura as she let herself into the apartment. “Time to go! You’ve got a very important appointment and I will be damned if you’re going to be late!” Uhura barged into Jen’s bedroom, where the woman in question still lay curled up with the covers pulled over her head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She plopped down on the bed, making sure to bounce Jen around and hopefully spur her into getting up.

Jen groaned and flung her hand out to swat at Uhura. “I’m not going,” she grumbled.

Uhura barked out a laugh. “Like hell you’re not!”

“They’re just gonna tell me the same thing as last time, Nyota! Why make the trip only to be disappointed again?”

“You never know, jinx, maybe there will be space this time and you’ll finally get to start treatment. But you’ll never know unless you _go_!” Uhura made her way to Jen’s closet and began picking out an outfit for her to wear. She began to toss the clothing at Jen’s form on the bed. Jen groaned and kicked the covers from her body. She lay there while Uhura continued to throw clothing at her.

Jen rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling as Uhura made her way back to the bed to sit at her hip. Uhura leaned over Jen to look her in the face. She smiled a truly blinding smile and said, “I have a very good feeling about today’s appointment. Now, up you get, lazy bones,” She patted Jen’s stomach and rose to go to the kitchen to make coffee.

Jen sighed heavily before getting up and changing into the clothes that Uhura had picked out for her. She put her hair up in a messy ponytail, not caring too much how she looked and reasoning that she could fix it before she went into work. After having been told for a month that there was currently no available opening in any of the chemotherapy treatment groups, she was more than a little discouraged. Uhura’s optimism was tempting, but Jen didn’t want to get her hopes up too much. The smell of fresh coffee drifted into her bedroom and she was drawn to the kitchen.

“Thanks,” she uttered as a steaming mug was pressed into her hands. Uhura smiled at her again as she sipped at her own mug. “So, how’s Spock?”

“He’s fine. Busy as always.”

“I hear being a diplomat will do that on occasion.”

Uhura laughed. “So it seems.” They drank their coffee in companionable silence for another few moments. It was clear she wanted to ask about Bones, but didn’t know how to broach that particular conversation. He was a touchy subject on the best of days, especially when it came to Jen’s diagnosis. Uhura kept urging Jen to tell him, but there was only so much pushing she could do. Uhura wanted Jen to have the support of her oldest friend. She thought it would be invaluable. But Jen didn’t want to burden him with the knowledge of her illness because, as a doctor, she thought he would be consumed with the idea of “fixing her” and she didn’t want him to focus on it. What she wasn’t certain of, however, was whether or not Jen’s long-time love of her best friend had anything to do with her hesitance; she was pretty sure, but couldn’t be positive.

Sensing the question burning in Uhura’s mind, Jen spoke up, “No, he still doesn’t know.” She drained the rest of the coffee from her mug and placed it in the sink. Uhura did the same and they walked towards the door.

“I don’t understand why you won’t tell him, J.”

“Because I won’t.”

“He should know. It’s been a month.”

“I’m very aware of how long it’s been, Nyota. I’m just not ready for him to know yet.”

They got into the car and Jen began the half hour drive to the doctor’s office.

“I’m just saying that pretty much everyone else knows. Literally. I mean, I think you’ve managed to not tell Pavel or Hikaru yet, but most of your friends know except him. Hell, even your bother knows!” Jen bristled at the mention of her brother’s knowledge. “We don’t mind keeping your secret, mind you, but everyone thinks it’s time for Leonard to know.”

Jen sighed. “I don’t know how to tell him…” She stared ahead of her, driving exceptionally carefully. “Maybe you guys are right, but I just don’t know how to do it.”

“You managed to be able to tell everyone else.” Uhura ventured.

“I haven’t told Pike.” Jen tried, lamely.

“You’re infuriating!” Uhura made fists with her hands and waved them at Jen. “You’ve told everyone. Why not him?”

“I don’t know! Bones is different somehow.”

“Because you love him.” It wasn’t a question.

Jen stopped sharper than she needed to at a red light. “What makes you say that?”

“Because it’s true. You’re having a harder time telling Leonard because you really love him and you feel like that will make it worse somehow. But he loves you, too, even if only as just a friend, and he’d want to know you’re sick so he can support you. Now I wish you would stop being so pigheadedly stubborn and just tell him.”

As the light turned green and she pulled away, Jen let go a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “You know, you’re wasted as a linguist; you should have gone into psychology.”

Uhura laughed and patted Jen’s knee. “The Bureau needs me more as a linguist. I can only listen to so many problems and you, my dear, have enough for the both of us.”

“Ain’t that the awful truth,” Jen huffed out. They spent the rest of the ride talking about more pleasant things.

At the doctor’s office, they sat in the waiting room for less than ten minutes. The entire time, Jen’s legs were bobbing up and down with anxious energy. When her name was called, she was asked to come in alone. This was the first time in weeks that Jen had gone in without Uhura. The prospect was odd to her because she’d gotten so used to her friend’s presence, but she thought she’d be alright without Uhura this time.

“I’m glad you could come in today. I know these past few weeks have been frustrating for you. How are you feeling?” Dr. Hammond had been tremendously understanding of Jen’s ire at constantly being denied treatment. She admired that in him, although she figured it was something he dealt with on a daily basis. Although, she knew that she could be a special case when it came to being irritating. Bones had ingrained that fact into her.

“I’m mostly alright. I still get nauseous on occasion and I still can’t put on weight, but otherwise I’m okay. My appetite hasn’t been suffering and that’s good, right?”

The doctor nodded. “That’s very good. Unfortunately,” Jen sagged back in her chair, expecting to be denied treatment yet again. “Your weight loss is probably only going to get worse. We’ll keep a close eye on it, though.” Jen nodded and heaved a resigned breath.

“What does your schedule look like for the next two months?”

Jen couldn’t say anything for a moment. She sat up straighter and went to dig through her purse for her calendar. She found nothing but work scheduled. “Uhm, I only have to work. I have no trips or anything scheduled. I’ll be around.” A spark of hope kindled in her chest. “Are… Are you saying I’m getting treatment?”

“I’m saying you’re getting treatment.” His smile was genuine and set her skin alight with joy about getting treatment. “We will start next week, doing every other day and if your cells respond, we’ll consider increasing the frequency or the dosage. We’ll continue in that manner, reassessing every month and decide where to go periodically. If you’re agreeable to those conditions, of course?”

“Yeah! Of course, yeah!” Jen was practically vibrating with excitement. “That’s totally – Yeah!” She laughed loudly before she could control herself.

“Excellent!” Dr. Hammond smiled wider at her enthusiasm. “I have a question, though, before we set you up with a schedule; have you told your boss yet?” Jen raised her eyebrow in question. “The thing is that you may end up having to take some time off of work and we usually recommend telling employers about treatment because it’s better to prep them before you end up missing work. You also may experience some job performance issues. I’m not saying you will, but it’s happened to some patients and I just don’t want anyone to be surprised.”

Jen nodded. “I see. Fair enough. I haven’t yet, but I will this afternoon. I’m going in after I leave here, so I’ll let him know then.”

“Great. Then let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?” Dr. Hammond and Jen spent the next fifteen minutes finalizing plans for the next month of treatment. The blueprint would likely be the same for the next two months, but the doctor set up a follow up consultation for the next month so that they could assess how her cells were responding and adjust her treatment accordingly. Jen was so thrilled by the prospect of finally getting treatment that she hugged Dr. Hammond.

“Thanks so much, Doc! This is… It’s just awesome!” Her smile was apparently contagious.

“It’s no problem, Ms. Kirk. I’m just glad we could get you in so quickly.” She hugged him again and he chuckled warmly. “We’ll see you back here again next Tuesday at 3pm, then, right?”

“Absolutely! See you then!” With that, Jen collected her things and went back to the waiting room to be with her friend. Uhura was just outside the office, on her phone, when Jen came out.

She turned around, saw Jen’s face and said, “Spock, I gotta go. Love ya.” She pocketed the phone before looking at Jen again. “So, what did he –”

Before Uhura could finish her question, she found herself with arms full of Jen Kirk. “I start on Tuesday!” came the muffled exclamation from somewhere around her shoulder. She hugged Jen back with equaled ferocity and began laughing in her relief. “I just have to tell Pike when we get to work.”

“Oh, so you’ll tell Pike but not Leonard?”

Jen shoved Uhura lightly. “Just because I’m in a _fantastic_ mood, I’m going to let that one slip. Besides, I’m sort of required to tell Pike. Soooo, let’s go get something to eat and then go to work, yeah?” Uhura agreed and they went to a restaurant close to the office. They ate in a much better mood than they had in a long time. Even going to work wasn’t as much of a chore as it could have been.

“I’ll let you know if I’m gonna be late, but plan to be out of here at six, okay?” Uhura agreed. “Catch ya later!” She kissed her friend on the cheek before they separated and went to their own wings of the building.

Jen sat at her desk, taking a few essentials out of her purse and setting her coffee down before turning on her computer. While it booted up, she went to look for Director Pike. His office was fairly close to hers because she was a relatively high ranking officer. Pike had been the one to recruit her to the FBI, despite her youth and occasional insubordination, and she considered him a mentor. Mostly, he called her annoying and said she was a punk kid who had no respect for the rules, but he usually gave her a lot of high level cases and he would defend her until the very end. To anyone who didn’t know them both, their relationship was odd, but Jen always considered him a father figure and Pike always considered her to be like a daughter to him.

She peeked into his office, but he wasn’t sitting at his desk. Making her way to the officer’s lounge, she wondered how she would go about breaking this news to him. She knew that it needed to be stressed that she wasn’t too ill to work. At least not yet. She shook off the thought as she rounded the corner and found him fixing a cup of coffee and helping himself to a pastry from a plate on the table.

“You know pastries aren’t good for you, sir. Especially not the ones that get delivered to us; they’re full of sugar and gunk.”

Pike rolled his eyes and took a large bite. “And yet they taste so damn good!” She laughed at him. “What can I do for you, Jenny?” Christopher Pike was literally the only person in the world who was allowed to call her Jenny. It was a nickname she reserved specifically for him. It just plain sounded wrong coming from anyone else.

“I need a word, sir.” Pike swallowed the pastry and raised his eyebrows for her to continue as he took a sip of his coffee. “In private, please, sir. If it’s convenient. If not, I can come back later.”

“Not at all. Now’s fine. Why don’t we go to my office?” Pike extended his hand for Jen to go ahead of him. She walked the distance to his office, a nervous ball of energy. Briefly, she marveled at the fact that, so far, she was comfortable with telling Pike about her disease, but the thought of telling Bones still made her queasy. However, the closer they got to Pike’s office, the more queasy she became. This was getting to be a more stressful idea with every step she took. It had _seemed_ like it would be easier, but now she knew it wouldn’t be. The turnaround was really astounding, even to her. She told herself that it was an occupational necessity and she would tell him no matter what. Breaking the news to Pike may even make it easier for her to tell Bones. She hoped.

“Mr. Chekov, no interruptions, please, unless they are of supreme importance. And when I say ‘supreme,’ I mean that they better be coming from the President himself. I’ll be in a very important meeting for a while.” Pike told his assistant before following Jen into his office.

“Yes, sur.” Chekov’s heavy, Russian accent came through the door right as Pike closed it. Jen had already sat down and was wringing her hands together. Pike sat across from her and placed his coffee on the desktop.

“Jenny, you’re beginning to scare the shit out of me with your hand-wringing. What is it?”

“Sir, I… Have something really important to say.” The words caught in her throat before she could say them. Pike’s eyebrows were drawn together with concern. “I, uhm… Shit…” Jen scrubbed her hand over her eyes in an attempt to forestall the tears the burned in her eyes.

Pike made to get up and come to her, but Jen held her hand up. It took great effort not to ignore her, but he settled back in his chair. She drew a sharp breath and closed her eyes before tipping her head up and hurriedly saying, “I have cancer, but I will be getting treatment very soon. I can still work; in fact I’d be offended if you suggested I take time off. But I have liver cancer, Chris.” It was like ripping a Band-Aid off.

The man across from her had stopped breathing and was looking at her as though she had three heads. “Please tell me you’re kidding. This is some punk trick you thought up, right?”

“I only wish I was that twisted, sir…”

“Jesus, Jenny…” Pike sagged into his chair and didn’t seem to know where to look. His eyes eventually settled on Jen, but they were filled with sorrow and something akin to pity. Jen knew he’d never deign to actually pity her because that wasn’t something they did. Sympathy and empathy, sure, but never pity. And support would always be unquestionable and unconditional. “How long have you known?”

“I’ve known for sure for a month. I’d been talking to my doctor about symptoms for a while but she only sent me to an oncologist a little over three months ago and they did a lot of testing to be sure. I found out this morning that I’m finally getting treatment, though, so I want nothing but good energy from you!”

Recognizing this as the point at which moving on was necessary, Pike managed a smile. He got up and walked around the desk. Jen rose, too, and Pike pulled her into his arms.

“Only the best energy for you, sweetheart.” he whispered and kissed her hair. They stood there for a moment before he asked, “Could I maybe… take you to your first treatment?”

Jen hugged him tighter and said, “Of course! Yeah!” She drew back to look at him, stars swimming in her eyes at how amazing this man was. “It’s next Tuesday at 3. I don’t know how long it will take, but you don’t have to –”

“Like hell! I’m in for the long haul! You’re not gonna get rid of me that easy!” Pike kissed her cheek, ruffled her hair, and said, “Alrighty,” Jen raised an eyebrow. Brushing her eyebrow off quickly, he went on, “Tuesday at 3. Leave straight from work?” She nodded. “Good. Now get back to work. Your country needs you.”

Jen laughed and saluted him. She squeezed his hand once more before he opened the door and shooed her out. Back at her desk, she found the screensaver had become active. The workday needed to start, however, so she woke up the computer and began some assignments.

A scene that she was not privy to was Pike closing his door after she left and sitting down at his desk. Head in hands, he cursed a God he no longer believed in for daring to take his baby girl from him. Immediately after, he began praying to anyone who would hear him to spare her because she was just too damn important.


	3. September: Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a month of treatment, Jen is doing pretty well, although she's beginning to feel some effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still un-beta read... Sorry for the things I do.

After the first full month of treatment, Jen was starting to get very tired very easily. The vomiting did not increase very much, which she had expected, but was relatively pleased about its absence. Her appetite had finally begun to suffer because some things lost their flavor. She hoped tonight would be a good night where she could taste things because she was having dinner at Bones’ house. Being a well-bred Southern gentleman, Bones knew how to cook anything and everything well; usually with recipes handed down through the family. Jen had never hated going over to his place to eat because she always left feeling fat and happy. She also never hated going there because, well… Bones was there.

As she pulled up to his house, she discovered Spock and Uhura had already arrived. Jen stepped out of her car and felt a shiver run through her body. It was early September, so it was still plenty warm out, but the chemo had already begun to sap her warmth. She’d opted for jeans and a sleeveless tunic top, but had also brought a sweatshirt just in case she got too chilly. Jen grabbed the bottle of scotch she’d brought for Bones, pocketed her keys as she slung her sweatshirt over her arm, and let herself in.

“Knock knock!” she called upon stepping inside. She could hear muffled conversation and laughter coming from deep within the house. Someone called to her, volunteering their location. Having known Bones for so long, she knew that if a meal was being made, the gathering was always in the kitchen. She toed off her shoes, not surprised that no one came out to greet her. The kitchen was towards the back of the house. Jen could smell that Bones had already been cooking for a while because the entire house was fragrant. She made her way into the room and was greeted by happy shouts.

“Hey, babe!” Uhura leaped up from her stool, wobbling a little. She’d clearly been drinking already. She hugged Jen tight and whispered, “You’re, like, an hour late, is everything alright?”

Jen hugged her just as tight, and whispered back, “I had a little trouble getting out of bed is all.” Uhura fixed her with a pointed glare. “I’m fine now, Yota, just a little chilly.” To the rest of the room, she announced, “I’ve brought scotch!”

“You’re my favorite girl in the world!” Bones said, pulling her to his chest and kissing her head. “How are ya, darlin’?”

Jen wrapped her hands around his waist and scratched at his back. He made a contented little growl. “I’m alright. A little tired. But I’m good.”

“Good. And I hope you’re hungry. Cuz I’ve made way too much food.” He took the scotch from her and poured himself a healthy glassful while pouring everyone else a little less. Jen didn’t have the heart to say that she wasn’t very hungry despite not having eaten yet. She resolved to eat as much as she could anyway.

“Jen, are you feeling well? You seem a little pale.” Spock asked as he accepted the glass handed him by Bones.

Jen cut her eyes at him. It was clearly a ploy to get her to reveal her illness. She still wasn’t ready. Uhura must have sensed this because she elbowed Spock in the ribs. Bones managed not to see it because he’d turned to inspect Jen’s face.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a little work stress and I didn’t sleep well last night, but I’m fine.” Bones raised an eyebrow at her. “Scout’s honor.” Bones rubbed his hand down her arm and squeezed her hand briefly. He seemed to accept her answer and they all moved on from the subject. Uhura spoke harshly in Spock’s ear about not pushing Jen to tell her secret; it would come out when it needed to.

They ate buffet-style throughout the evening. Jen was incredibly pleased that she could taste everything and it was all exceptionally delicious. They talked and laughed and Jen was almost able to forget that she was sick. As the sun began to set, they moved outside to light a fire in Bones’ fire pit. The sky was a little overcast, but it was still a gorgeous night. Bones noticed that Jen was shivering a bit, though she didn’t retrieve her sweatshirt. Under the pretense of getting more scotch, Bones got a jacket of his own. When he went back outside, he draped it around Jen’s shoulders.

Uhura caught Jen’s eye and gave her most devilish smirk. Jen blushed, but the dim light and fire covered that up. “Shall we break out the s’mores?” Uhura suggested.

“Uhura, the s’mores must be made and cannot just be ‘broken out.’”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Yes, thank you, Spock. Without you, I surely wouldn’t know how to eat s’mores.”

“Sarcasm is hardly warrant –” Uhura silenced him with a kiss.

Jen laughed and went inside to gather the supplies for s’mores. They made a few each before Uhura said she should get going. She and Spock and come together, so they had to leave at the same time. They said they would let themselves out, but goodbyes were said on the back deck.

“Have a good night!” Uhura said, sing songy in Jen’s ear. Jen kissed her cheek and shoved her lightly away.

“Get her home safe, Spock.” Jen said as she hugged him.

“I assure you I will. Have a good evening, Jen. You as well, Leonard.”

With that they left. Bones stood awkwardly for a moment. Meanwhile, Jen had already repositioned a reclining lawn chair and had settled in it so she could see the sky. She groped in her periphery for the other reclining lawn chair. Finally landing on it, she pulled it right next to hers and patted the seat. Bones smiled and walked over to her. He laid down on the chair and stared at the sky with her.

Jen cuddled up more inside Bones’ jacket and was pleased that the skies had cleared. The stars above them had become easier to see. Bones got up quickly to turn off the lights inside. When he came back to sit next to Jen, she grabbed his hand and thanked him. He didn’t seem to mind when she didn’t let go of his hand. They sat in silence, just staring at the stars and holding hands.

Jen finally broke the silence. “Can you imagine what it would be like to be up there?”

Bones looked over at her. “In space? No. I wouldn’t be able to live up there.”

Jen turned on her side to look at him and scooted closer. “Why not? I think it would be incredible! I’d love to explore the universe. That’s entirely uncharted territory, Bones! What part of that doesn’t appeal to you?”

Bones chuckled. “I dunno. Space just seems like disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.”

“But it’s not just about being in space, although that in and of itself is all kinds of cool. It would also be about the company you keep in space.” Bones brought her hand to his lips and held her there. His eyes were dark, but they still sparkled as he looked at her again. “Like, I’d totally have you on my ship! My chief of medicine.”

“What makes you think you’d have a ship?” Bones laughed outright this time.

“It’s me, Bones! I could do it.”

“If anyone could, it would be you.”

Overwhelmed by the sheer affection in his words, tears welled in Jen’s eyes. Surprised, she reached up to wipe them away. Before she could complete the action, Bones had reached up with his own hand and swiped at the moisture. She didn’t need to think too much about leaning forward to kiss Bones. She’d been wanting to for a long time. He seemed to be thinking the same thing because he responded immediately. Moving his hand from her face into her hair, he leaned in as much as he could to deepen the kiss. He, much to the dismay of both of them, could not get any closer because of the arms of the chairs being between them. Their first kiss was everything Jen had wanted it to be and more. She’d never quite dreamed that he would be so attentive and affectionate. It wasn’t rushed, but there was heady passion behind it. It honestly took Jen’s breath away.

“Bones.” She broke the kiss to breathe and press her lips, against his cheek. He continued to kiss her cheek and make his way down her neck. “Bones, can we… Can we go inside?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Bones growled and got up, extending his hand out for her. He walked with her upstairs, stopping occasionally to back her into a wall and kiss her senseless. Once they were in his bedroom, he slowly took her apart and made her forget her troubles. Bones, seeming to feel Jen’s trepidation and also knowing that their first time together needed to be something special, made slow and sweet love to her.

Jen couldn’t remember a more perfect experience.

Afterwards, they lay under the blankets, cuddling together. Bones had tucked Jen against his side, falling asleep within minutes with his lips pressed against her forehead. Despite just having had some of the best sex of her life, Jen was completely unable to fall asleep. The knowledge of her illness and the task of keeping it from Bones ate away at her and made her uneasy. Sleeping so close to someone she loved who didn’t know everything about her felt awful.

Uhura’s voice in her head told her, “Just tell him! Stop being a coward!” Jen physically flinched at the specter’s words. Bones’ hand fell away from her shoulder and his arm flopped onto the bed behind her. As carefully as she could, Jen slipped out of the bed. She found her underwear and donned Bones’ jacket again. A large window seat took up almost one entire wall of the bedroom. Jen sat at it for an hour and stared out at the night sky. It was truly beautiful. The only thing possible more beautiful to her was Bones asleep on the bed. Jen ruefully wondered when she would stop being a selfish coward and just tell him.

The best she could do for now was to crawl back into bed with Bones, lay her head on his chest and whisper, “Bones, I have cancer…” Whether him wrapping his arms around her again was due to her confession or simply due to her presence in the bed again, she could only speculate. But she was glad of it either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I admit, I copped out at the end of this chapter. But, I did it for a couple of reasons. A) I'm no good at writing sex scenes. I just can't do them well. They always feel awkward to me and I don't know how other people do it. Scenes I read? Forget about it! Scenes I write? Also forget about it, but in the way that you'd _actually_ want to forget about it... And B) I wanted this story to focus more on the relationships and the complex illness rather than the sex. I allude to it here and I may allude to it in the future, but that's all it will be. I'm much better at writing emotions than sex.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it anyway!


	4. October: Arrivals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scotty and Sulu come to town and Scotty takes Jen to a chemo appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the length of time between updates!!! Not only did I run into a bit of writer's block, but we also had internet issues here at my house and I haven't been able to upload. But enough about that. I'm sorry for the wait, though. Thanks for bearing with me.
> 
> As always: this is un-beta read. Feedback is always welcome. It is my lifeblood ;P

“I still can’t believe you slept with him!” Uhura adjusted her scarf as they stood in the airport terminal, awaiting their friends.

“I can’t believe you’re still talking about it. Jesus, Yota, it’s been over a month!” Jen lightly elbowed Uhura, exasperated.

“Yeah, over a month since the _first_ time, how many times has it happened since then?”

“None o’ your damn business.” mumbled Jen. Uhura laughed loudly and drew the attention of several people around them. Jen tried to shush her to no avail. Resigning herself to being publicly humiliated, she walked over to the arrivals board to check their time once more. It was unlikely that it had changed, but it served her purpose of getting away from the people looking at her.

“I also can’t believe you took so long to tell me, you filthy skank!” Uhura had trailed closely behind her. She’d lowered her voice, though, which Jen was grateful for.

“Today is just full of disbelief, isn’t it? I only waited ten days, will you let it go?”

“I will not. They getting in any earlier?”

“A whole six minutes. And they still have to go through customs. We should probably sit.”

“Sure. Coffee first, though.” They made their way to the only coffee shop in the airport and stood in line with several other people who apparently had the same idea. Uhura already buzzed with excitement and Jen feared putting caffeine on top of that. “You’re not going to give me details, are you?”

Jen scoffed, “What? No! What is wrong with you?” Uhura snickered vindictively and was entirely too pleased with herself. “You’re an infant.”

“Thanks, Len.”

They received their coffees and found a seat to await the arrival of their friends. Uhura continued to press for details, but Jen wasn’t forthcoming.

“He’s a private man and I want to keep this private! It’s entirely between us. I told you it happened at all, be happy about that!”

“I refuse!” She continued to tease her friend relentlessly, in far too good of a mood to ease up. She really was pleased that Jen and Bones had finally gotten together. It had been a long time coming so no one, Uhura least of all, was terribly surprised by the news. Jen seriously doubted that Spock was pressing Bones for the same details that his girlfriend was pressing Jen for. That wasn’t his style. Uhura calmed down after about half an hour, when they’d received a text from both Scotty and Sulu that they’d landed and would be going through customs.

“I still don’t understand why you took so long to tell me.”

“Oh my god!” Jen groaned, slightly amazed that Uhura was still harping on the subject. “I don’t know, Yota. First of all, the sex just happened and then suddenly we were talking about being in a relationship and I’m a little panicked because I fucking love the guy, you know? I didn’t tell you right away because –”

“What, you didn’t know how?” As soon as the words left Uhura’s mouth, she deeply regretted them. She turned to Jen, stricken, to apologize and found Jen was red in the face. Whether with anger or embarrassment or something else, she didn’t know. “Honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Shit!”

“I can’t even believe you right now…” Jen whispered. She furiously wiped at traitorous tears that had escaped her eyes before she’d had the chance to stop them. “I can’t… Fucking… Believe you.”

“Jen, I’m so sorry! I’m an idiot! I didn’t mean it like that and I shouldn’t even have said it! Fuck, I’m sorry!”

Jen had leaned forward and turned away from Uhura to collect herself. Uhura reached out to stroke Jen’s arm, who reluctantly let her. It would serve her no good to stay mad at her friend, but she would definitely make her suffer some silent treatment for a while. Uhura sensed this would be the case and settled back into her seat. She sniffled in her regret, but kept her hand on Jen’s arm. Jen, too, settled back in the seat. She took a haughty sip of her coffee before transferring the cup to the hand opposite Uhura. Surprising the hell out of her friend, she took her hand and held it. They did not speak because Uhura knew it wouldn’t be appropriate, but she knew she was one step closer to being forgiven.

After another ten minutes, Scotty and Sulu came through the arrivals gate. They spotted the girls immediately and made their way over to them.

“Lover’s quarrel?” Scotty asked.

“We’re okay.” Jen said before rising to hug him.

Scotty was smart enough not to ask. What he did ask was, “Are ye feedin’ us?”

Uhura laughed as she brought him in for a hug as well. “Yeah, Bones is a busy bee in his kitchen. We’ll get you there, don’t worry.”

“Good! I’m starving!” Sulu chimed in after hugging the girls. “Have you been on an airplane recently?” They shook their heads. “The food is shittier than you remember.”

They chatted pleasantly in the car. Laughter came easily when they were all together. Uhura was driving and Jen had swiveled in her seat so she could face the two men in the back.

“So, how’s treatment goin', Jen?” Scotty asked about halfway to Bones’ house.

“Wait, treatment? What treatment? Jen, are you sick?”

Jen scrunched her face up. Scotty gaped between them. “Piss! Did he no’ know?”

“Know what? What’s going on?” Sulu was more insistent now.

Sighing, Jen said, “Yeah, Sulu, I’m sick. It’s liver cancer…” Jen scrubbed her hand over her face.

“Fuck, are you serious?”

“I am, unfortunately.” A heavy silence fell over the car. “But, I have one request, because apparently it needs to be said; Bones doesn’t know and I need you guys to not spill. Please.”

“Yeah, no problem. But… Jesus, Jen!”

“I’m sorry, Hikaru. I didn’t want you to get ambushed like that.”

“ _You’re_ sorry? You get to be sick, you don’t get to be sorry. Hell, _I’m_ sorry!” Sulu reached for her shoulder and squeezed. She smiled at him wryly.

“So, how _is_ your treatment going?” Sulu ventured.

“Uhm… It’s going well enough, I suppose. I have another appointment tomorrow and the doctor and I are going to assess my progress.”

“Speaking of,” Uhura said. “I won’t be able to take you. Sorry, babe.”

“I’ll take ye, Jen. I’m not meant to start assignment for another couple o’ days. An’ Sulu’s probably got ta kick the crap outta some new recruits tomorrow, eh?” Sulu confirmed. “That’s settled. It’s you an’ me, lassie!”

They arrived at Bones’ place shortly after that. Hugs were had all around and Bones quickly made the rounds with beer. Conversation was loud and free flowing; laughter was just as loud and plentiful. Finally stealing a quiet moment, Bones came over to Jen, who had been in the thick of it all. He pulled her aside and kissed her soundly.

“Hiya, Bones.” she breathed when they separated.

“Hey, darlin’. Missed you.”

Jen smiled and kissed him again. “You saw me this morning, you loon.”

Bones shook his head. “Don’t care. I still missed you.”

“OI! Ge’ a room, you two! Yer makin’ me sick!”

Jen screamed and laughed as Bones hoisted her over his shoulder. Everyone else was just as surprised as she, but they laughed as the pair disappeared from the room. Before Bones put her down, Jen landed a solid slap to his butt. He plopped her on the ground and fixed her with a stern look. She feigned regret for about five whole seconds before the urge to kiss him again took over. They made out slowly for a while before deciding to rejoin their friends, hand in hand.

The rest of the evening passed lazily and with an air of levity. Occasionally, Sulu would look over at Jen with an apology in his eyes. She pulled him aside and told him everything was really okay and that he needed to stop feeling sorry for her. Sulu promised he would try and hugged her tight.

The next day, Scotty picked Jen up and took her to the doctor’s office. At this stage of her treatment, Dr. Hammond had taken to visiting her while she was at her treatment. Because of the time she elected to undergo the procedure, there was hardly anyone there and a medical meeting would still be private. They spent the first part of the appointment making stunted conversation as the nurse took Jen’s vitals and hooked her up to the chemotherapy machines. The doctor still wasn’t scheduled to show up for another half an hour.

“Do we have any plans for Halloween?” Scotty asked once they finally had a moment to settle down and speak. Jen had curled her legs under her in the overstuffed recliner to get comfortable. “I know you Yanks are really into this Halloween business and I though’ maybe someone would have planned a party or summat.”

“Nyota may be planning something, but I’m not sure. I don’t have any plans of my own, though. I might be too tired to do much of anything.”

“This juice really wipes you ou’, eh?” Scotty dropped his hand to her calf and squeezed affectionately.

“Oh yeah. And apparently it’s only getting worse.” Scotty looked pained. “Don’t even worry about it, Scotty. They tell me it has to get worse before it can get better. And on the bright side, I’m one of a very small statistic of people who haven’t begun to lose their hair!” She ran her fingers through said hair. It felt a little brittle to her, but it was still there.

“Tha’s some wee consolation, Jen!” Scotty laughed bitterly.

Jen smiled, just as bitter and not reaching her eyes. “It’s what I’ve got.”

Just then, Dr. Hammond walked in and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for interrupting, Jen.” She waved him off, saying it wasn’t a problem. “How are you feeling today?”

She grimaced slightly. “I’m alright. I’m starting to get more and more tired more easily and I’m cold, like, all the time. But other than that, I’m okay.”

“How is your appetite?”

“Not what it used to be. Some food still doesn’t taste quite right.”

“The nurse tells me you’ve lost about three pounds since last week.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Three pounds isn’t too alarming just yet, but it’s also not good considering the trend of weight loss you’ve been exhibiting. I want you to start keeping a food diary as well as a weight loss diary. Get a digital scale and weigh yourself at the same time every single morning. We’ll review that in a month.” Jen nodded and got out her planner to make a note to buy the scale and notebooks specifically for these tasks.

“Now, we discussed last time that if there was still no response from your cells that we would be upping the dosage.” Jen held her breath. Scotty reached out to hold her hand. She accepted it gratefully. “I’ve been over your test results and it looks like your cells aren’t responding as well as we’d like, although they _are_ responding. So, I don’t want you to get discouraged.” Jen sagged into her chair anyway. “Usually, with this kind of minimal response, all that’s really needed is one final push to get the cells to cooperate. Are you willing to do another push?”

Sighing and clutching Scotty’s hand in hers, she nodded.

Dr. Hammond smiled kindly. “Good. I’m glad.”

“How much worse are my symptoms going to get?”

The good doctor frowned, looking apologetic. “Unfortunately, I can’t say. You may start to finally lose your hair, but then again you may not. The vomiting may get worse, but it may not. You might lose more weight, though you might gain some. You see?” Jen nodded her understanding. “But, we will continue to keep an eye on you and your progress. If you have any question or concerns at all, you can call me. Or, if I’m not available, go to the emergency room.” She nodded again and the doctor smile, trying to provide her with comfort and encouragement. It almost worked. “Well, I’ll leave you be and see you again next week for the increase, alright?”

“Thanks Doc. Have a good week.” He wished her the same and then left.

“’S it always like tha’?” Scotty marveled after the doctor.

Jen laughed. “Pretty much.” She settled in the chair to face him. He leaned back in his own and put his feet up near hers. “We’ve gotten pretty efficient at this.”

“Tha’s good about yer cells respondin’ a’ least a li’le, isn’ it?”

Jen shrugged. “I hope so, Scotty. I hope so…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to issue another apology. It's not for the time between updates, though. I'm sorry if Scotty's accent is tough to read. It's a little tough to write as well. I wanted it to read as authentic as possible, though, so I was saying his dialogue in my head and writing it down as phonetically as I could manage. All the apostrophes get a little muddy, but I hope it works.


End file.
